A few years ago, I was participating in a group counseling session. One of the group members was expressing much anger about a situation she was in. The therapist asked her, "Is there anything you can do to change your circumstance. She said, "No!" He responded by saying, "Then why are you waisting your time being angry about it if you can't change it?"
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The group leader's response stimulated a discussion. Anger is an emotion we experience daily, whether it is through ourselves or others. It is a very real emotion. There is nothing wrong with being angry. However, it becomes a problem if we do not take the time to decide what to do about it.
The Serenity Prayer says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." It gives us three choices as a response to others or circumstances when we feel anger. They are: 1) Get our way -- "courage to change the things I can", 2) Accept it -- "accept the things I cannot change" or 3) a combination of 1 & 2 -- "the wisdom to know the difference".
So much of anxiety, depression and pathology stem from choices we make, when we really do not have much of a choice. For example, if I am on my way to the airport to leave for a vacation and I am stuck in a traffic jam, does it do me any good to stomp my feet, honk my horn or flip people off? No! Why? Because I cannot change it. Sure, I will be angry, and there is nothing wrong with it. However, I must put it into perspective by realizing since I cannot change it, there is no sense in me waisting my energy on anger when I know my airline will help me get a flight the next morning, if not later that day. Point being, it is still ultimately my choice if I am going to let that incident ruin my day.
There is also the problem when we choose to accept something we can actually change. For example, I have heard many people complain about being in a "toxic" relationship. I ask, "why do you spend time with him/her?" They respond, "Well, you know, ...I can't really turn them down." Or, "They are family so we can't just not go to our family events." Or, "I know he abuses me, but he doesn't mean it. He really is a good guy." It amazes me how people view themselves as powerless and will allow others to hold them hostage. I often wonder why people will continue to share information with someone who repeatedly breaks their trust or puts them down. Probably at times we have all been in relationships like this. We can do something about it. We can break off the toxic relationship. We can keep sending out resumes and contacting places that are hiring. We can make that phone call that could, or should I say will help us get what we need. We just need to stop making excuses, which I have made many.
This all comes down to our choices. If we are angry, we must ask ourselves, "Can I change it?" If I can, then I must do something about it. If I cannot, then I must remind myself I am waisting energy being angry about something I cannot change. Then, I must accept it. It really does make life much easier when we choose not to be entitled, but rather choose to control only that which we can. It was a great discussion we had that day. I learned some valuable tips from that therapist.
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