MORE THAN JUST ALL-STAR ATHLETES!

Recently, we had the privilege of attending a benefit dinner called, “Dancing with the All Stars” at Joe Louis Arena. The dinner was a fundraiser benefiting Jack’s Place for Autism, which was started by Jim and Lisa Price. Jim is the color commentator for the Detroit Tigers Radio Network. Their son, Jack, has autism. Jack’s place was started to help families affected by autism to provide resources, training and long-term plans for residential living. We heard many of the Detroit Tiger players were going to be attending the event, with some of them participating in the dance. Two weeks earlier we had been invited down onto the field at Comerica Park to meet with Ana Sanchez, wife of pitcher Anibel Sanchez, and Erica May, fiancé of pitcher Max Scherzer. My wife, Becky, shared with them how Jack’s Place had impacted our family, the dream Jim and Lisa Price have for Jack’s Place and how their dream gives us hope for our children when our time is done. I never know what to expect when I meet celebrities. On the one hand, they become celebrities by doing something many believe to be extraordinary. On the other hand, they are people who get up in the morning, go to work, sleep and eat like everybody else does. I typically do not like to approach celebrities. Too often they have swarms of people wanting to touch them, get an autograph or picture taken when they just want to go buy a couple groceries or get to where they are going. However, this day was different. They were here for a reason. This reason was very close to my heart. We first ran into outfielder Torii Hunter. Torii was very approachable by everyone. He is a natural with people. I introduced myself, Becky and my daughter, Hannah to him and thanked him for supporting autism. I shared how both our children have autism and how thankful we were for his support. He shared that his godson has autism and it is very close to his heart as well. When talking with Jim Price, he told us, “All the players are here because they want to be here. They did not get free tickets. They paid like everybody else.” There were many other players we had the privilege of meeting. I said to Prince Fielder, “Mr. Fielder, my name is Jon and this is my daughter Hannah. She has autism and so does my son. Thank you for supporting Jack’s Place!” Prince, a little quieter than Torii, smiled shook my hand and said, “Your welcome! It’s nice to meet you!” We sat at the table that included the parents of Shannon Hogan of Fox Sports Detroit. Upon meeting Shannon, she took an interest in Hannah. While talking, Mr. Hogan said, “Hannah, is there any Tiger you would like to meet?” A little stunned, she said, “Uhhhh…!” Becky rephrased the question by asking, “Hannah, who’s your Tiger?” She said, “Miguel Cabrera!” Shannon asked her if she would like to meet him. She said, “Yes! Can my dad come too?” Shannon escorted us to where the Tigers were dining. We first met Ramon Santiago. Ramon is a close friend of Detroit Tiger Chaplain, Jeff Totten, who is also one of the teaching pastors at our church. Because of this, I had an interest in meeting Ramon. Like Torii, who also knows Jeff Totten, he was very warm and kind-hearted. We thanked him for his support for Jack’s Place for Autism. Then we met Miguel Cabrera. Just like on TV, he had a glowing smile. He reached his hand out to shake mine and very willingly agreed to have his picture taken with Hannah. I thanked him for his support for Autism and Jack’s Place. The program was outstanding. The video they showed was tear-jerking. We heard testimonies of families sharing their concern for their children. There was a strong emphasis on what will happen to our children when we pass away. Who will care for them? Jim Price shared from his heart and had difficulty controlling his emotions while talking about his son, Jack. The dance competition was very entertaining. Torii Hunter was one of the emcees and his personality fit the role like a glove. After the competition, Hannah wanted to see Ana Sanchez and Erica May, who participated in the dance competition. Upon finding Erica, she yelled her name, ran up and embraced her. We chatted for a few minutes, until her fiancé, Max Scherzer approached us. Hannah said to Max, who is in the running for the American League Cy Young Award, “Are you Erica’s fiancé?” It made her day. We thanked both of them for their support for Jack’s Place. Hannah then found Ana. She asked if she remembered her. Ana said, “Of Course I remember you!” Then she turned to me and said, “Where are your son and your wife?” I explained that this would have been too much for Jacob and pointed out where Becky was. She introduced us to Anibel and explained to him that we were the family she had met a couple weeks ago. She immediately went to where Becky was and greeted her enthusiastically. At one point, just before we left, I saw Tiger General Manager, Dave Dombrowski. During the program, Jim Price made a point to mention that it took Dave only two days after moving to Detroit to be a supporter for Jack’s Place. I approached him, introduced myself, told him about my family and thanked him for his support. He said, “We really feel for your family! It’s a pleasure to meet you!” I reassured him it is an honor to have children with autism, but it does have challenges. I was a Detroit Tiger fan long before I attended the “Dancing with the All Stars” event. Afterward, I became a fan of the Tiger players, families and staff. They were more than just All Stars and Champions. They are people who care. I must rephrase this. They are a family who cares about all people. They understand that life is more about winning championships and becoming all-stars. They believe in making life better for families affected by autism. They are passionate for helping people with autism have opportunities they normally would not otherwise have. I would love to see the Tiger’s bring home their first World Series banner in almost 30 years. It would energize the city and bring excitement. Regardless of what happens this October, these Detroit Tigers are already champions in ways many will never know and in a way that goes beyond what anyone will ever understand! As the old saying goes from 1984, “Bless you Boys!”

He Was Like A Dad To Me!

In 1994, Becky and I had moved to Denver, Colorado. We lived in an apartment complex with other graduate school students. We were able to become pretty good freinds with some of our neighbors. One of our friends had graduated from the same college as Becky in Saint Paul, Minnesota. He was 6'10 and had played college basketball there. I had played against their college in a tournament in Hawaii, although he had not played on that team. I had heard many stories about his coach. I did not share them with him, because they were not very encouraging. The stories I heard was that his coach could recruit talent like no other. They would always do well, but could never win the big game. One day I asked my friend, "How did you like your coach?" I will never forget his response. I expected him to give a long story about how it was frustrating to never win "The Big One" and how it always felt like the seasons dragged on. His response was awesome! He said, "I know there were many people who felt like he could recruit talent but never win anything big. However, what I remember was the impact he made in my life. My father was absent for most of my life. My coach was like a dad to me!" It was in that moment that I felt ashamed. Why? Because I had been guilty of trading character in for success. I had believed winning was more important than building character. Yet, it was an important lesson I learned. There are so many more important things in life. Too often we value a coach by his wins and losses. Coaches like Tubby Smith at Minnesota and Ben Howland at UCLA were recently fired by their schools. They were able to get to the NCAA Tournament. But, the standard of those schools are championships over character building. I do not pay as much attention to the PAC 12 Conference, so I do not know as much about Ben Howland. I have met people who have interacted with Tubby Smith on the recruiting trail. They said he had an engaging personality. He had a Bible on his desk in his office. While coaching at Kentucky, a recruit had been shot and killed. While being interviewed, Tubby's eyes were filled with tears and he was beginning to choke up. It was not because he lost a recruit. It was because he felt bad for a young person who had his whole life ahead of him, only to be caught in the line of fire. Are there coaches who can win and have great character? Yes! However, there are only so many Tom Izzo's to go around. (You can tell which team I root for.) Even so, Tom Izzo has indicated many times that there will be a day when he will be asked to step down. I believe this shows the immaturity of our culture. We see this in our schools and at graduations, when our academically elite get the spotlight. We see this in the work force, people celebrating 60 hours of work as a strong work ethic and dedication when it should be looked at as workaholism and insecurity. I have also seen employers let go of good, honest and hard workers because they are "not a fit" for the company. I have lost contact with my friend. But, I will never forget his story. It has helped re-shape my thinking. I hope it helps others too.

TO CAUSE TO LEARN: How standardized tests are keeping students from learning

Recently, our family took a vacation to South Carolina. We visited Fort Sumter, where the first shots of the Civil War were fired upon, and Fort Moultrie, where the first shots of the civil war were first fired. We also visited downtown Charleston. We spent 3 days in downtown visiting the many historical districts and marveling over the history represented there. We walked through cemeteries that had tombstones that dated back to the 1700’s. We stood at the place where South Carolina officially became the first State to succeed the Union. We witnessed historical sites from both the Revolutionary and Civil Wars. On our way home, we took a detour and stopped by Murfreesboro, Tennessee, home of the Stones River National Battlefield. This place has such great significance for both me and my wife Becky because we both have ancestors who fought in that battle. As we walked through the Visitors Center and listened to one of the park rangers discuss the battle, we were able to learn more about what our ancestors experienced. This was a battle that was nearly dominated by the Confederates, to the point where General Bragg sent word to Confederate President Jefferson Davis that they had won the battle. However, General Rosecrans sent a message to Colonel William Sheridan to hold the Confederates just for one more day, then he would have the Canons lined up to fire. To make a long story short, as Sheridan’s men retreated, the Confederates, thinking they were conquering the Union soldiers, ran right into canon fire, which helped lead the Union to victory. President Abraham Lincoln told General Rosecrans it would have been difficulty to win the war without winning the Battle of Stones River. Why do I share this story? In such a short time, we learned so much. In only one week, we inhaled so much history, some new to us, some relearned and some re-living what we already knew but never had experienced. With the many adolescent clients I have had over the years, one of the most common problems I have encountered is the struggle to academically perform to a level acceptable, not for honors cords, rather for a diploma. With new laws passed by Government over the years, there has been a push to cram more information into the minds of our teenagers. The problem is, as Government continues to raise the standards, our students are not increasing their intelligence. One time I was meeting with a client, who had struggled in school and stated that he hated going to history class. I thought he had a problem with history. Yet, when I shared with him some information I had learned about history while on a trip to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, he began to ask more questions. As we discussed, he took notes, without any prompting and asked if I could print off some pictures of the sites we talked about for a report he was going to do in class. It was then that I realized, this young man loves history. What he hates is the way it is taught. I would argue his teacher is likely to agree with us too. Why? With all the government regulations regarding standardized testing, teachers are required to teach to pass tests and exams rather than to learn. I was once at a seminar listening to a well-known professor talk about learning. He had done a word study to find out the original meaning for the word “teach” using the ancient Hebrew language. He found the word used for “teach” was the same word used for “learn”. The only difference in the use of their words was the context. For the word “teach”, it meant “to cause to learn” rather than just “learn”. Back in the ancient days of the Hebrews, there was no printing press. Therefore, they were required to memorize. They would memorize the 5 books of the Torah. However, they spent the rest of their time living out what they learned. They talked about it often. They kept memorials to help them remember. They rehearsed it everywhere they went. It was not just memorization, it was a lifestyle. They enjoyed it because they experienced it firsthand. The problem today is we have so many laws passed by government officials who went to Ivy League schools, or their equivalent, like Stanford, Northwestern, etc… Both President Bush’s went to Yale. Bill Clinton went to Georgetown for undergraduate and Yale for law school. JFK went to Princeton and Harvard. Barak Obama went to Harvard Law. These are the most primary influences on the direction our education in the United States. None of our Presidents should ever apologize for their higher education. Yet, we must take an honest look at the people who are creating our education laws and determining the level of difficulty of our standardized tests. The controversial “No Child Left Behind” bill was a bi-partisan creation by George W. Bush, a republican, and Senator Ted Kennedy, a democrat. Ted Kennedy is an alumnus of Harvard. Even here in the State of Michigan, there have been talks about dropping Algebra 2 and foreign language from graduate requirements for our high school students. The reason is the large number of students who do not understand Algebra 2 and only a few future engineers will need it in their careers. Foreign language has also become a road block for those who struggle to learn and memorize new words and sentence structures. This prohibits some from graduating and causing much anxiety for others. The chairman of the board of education, John Austin, a democrat, is against it. Where did he get his education? Harvard’s Kennedy Graduate School of Business. Personally, our schools should require our students to learn a foreign language. However, it should be provided in elementary school. That is what they have done in Europe and we are hard pressed to find a person in Europe who is not bi-lingual. Childhood development has taught us our minds are more susceptible to learn new languages during the early years of development, not adolescents. The problem is we have people with Ivy League educations making decisions based on their experience. As I said, they do not need to apologize for their higher education at prestigious schools. However, they have failed in believing that every young student is cut from the same mold as them and learns exactly the same as they do. It reminds me of the cartoon with a number of animals being tested by an owl, including an elephant, bird, giraffe, grizzly bear, turtle and a fish swimming in a pond. The owl says to them, “You only need to complete one exercise to pass the test. However, if you do not accomplish this, you will fail and not live a productive life. To pass the test, you all need to climb to the top of the tree.” Point being, we all learn different. God did not create us the same, for which I am glad. Today, there is too much anxiety for students. I have seen this in my office from those who struggle to pass difficult courses such as Algebra 2, to those who are overwhelmed by the outrageous amount of homework required to complete, and even to those who are intelligent, but struggle in their perfectionism to live up to higher standards that sucks the life out of them causing them to miss out on their childhood. I have heard all the arguments. My favorite one is how we do not want to “dumb down” the curriculum. Yet, as mentioned earlier, the increase of homework is not resulting in increased intelligence. “Our government is trying to help us keep up with foreign countries who are way ahead of us.” Again, the higher standards and increased homework is not the answer. Yet, on the flip side, there are many young students who are not able to graduate today who would have had the chance 25 years ago. And, there are many people who graduated from high school 20 years ago who would not today. Why? Because government officials from Ivy League schools have determined we all need to be like them. The only people I have met who like “No Child Left Behind” and the higher standards, and the only people who are adamant that Algebra 2 should remain on the diploma tract are people who were high achievers themselves and graduated with honors, or they have children who are high achievers and will graduate with honors. The reason I made this statement is not to put down the “high achievers”. Rather, it is that they may consider sitting in the desk of the person who is struggling to make the grade and is fearful of wondering if they will ever graduate, go to college and have a “real job”. Not everyone is cut out to be President of the United States. Oh, speaking of U.S. Presidents. There were two who did not go to college. Their names were George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. Oh, and…I forgot to mention something. Abraham Lincoln was uneducated. Resources: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Kennedy#Early_life.2C_education.2C_and_military_service http://www.mlive.com/education/index.ssf/2013/04/michigan_high_school_graduatio_1.html http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Presidents_of_the_United_States_by_education http://alfiekohn.com/stdtest.htm http://www.alfiekohn.org/standards/strategies.htm Seven Laws of the Learner, by Bruce Wilkerson (Hebrew meaning of the word “teach”)

MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE TEENAGERS A BREAK!

Social Networking can often bring a number of personal views to the surface. I have found it is easy for us to flex our opinionated muscles behind the keyboard of our computer devices. Lately, I have noticed many comments on social networking sites, predominately Facebook, taking stabs at teenagers today. Some have made bold statements suggesting “when I was a teenager, I would have never gotten away with this or that”. It reminded me of a time when I was teaching a parent education class for one of my employers. Prior to class starting, I heard many of my parents complaining about teenagers. One said, “Teenagers expect to get everything handed to them on a silver platter.” Another said, “Teenagers are so entitled. It was never that way for me.” I let them talk for about five minutes and patiently waited. When they finished talking I spoke of a time when I picked my daughter up from her middle school. There were two lanes for pick up, both with traffic going in the same direction. The right lane was the line designated for picking up our children. The left lane was for us to drive in after our children had safely entered our car so we could leave. During the many times I picked our children up from school, a hurried parent would always be driving in the left lane to cut in front of the other parents to pick up their children. Why? It seems obvious they were in more of a hurry than anyone else. Am I right? Or, is it possible they felt they were entitled? After sharing this story, the room was quiet. I do not believe it was an awkward silence. I had a good relationship with this group. It seemed more of a thought processing silence. Then I asked them the question, “If teenagers are really entitled, where do you believe they learned it from?” They all nodded their heads and said, “Us!” Please understand when I have a teenager in my office who presents an attitude of entitlement, I do not allow them to blame their parents. Blaming does not help anyone or anything. I help them process through their thoughts, emotions, patterns and behaviors before helping them to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. However, they are a product of us. Truthfully, some of my favorite people are teenagers. They are often the most authentic and compassionate people I know. Go to any church and make an announcement that you need some work done or provide the opportunity to serve someone in need. Who would likely be the first to respond? My guess would be teenagers. So, if we really believe teenagers are entitled, how about we find one or two to mentor and help along? What about going to the local school and suggesting we participate in a tutoring program? I believe this would help more than flexing our “social networking muscles” via posting critical statements of a generation that needs guidance and love, like all of us do.

A CHRISTMAS LIKE NO OTHER

I am one of those people who do not mind listening to Christmas music early. As soon as Halloween is past, I have the radio in my car set to the stations that play non-stop Christmas music until the day after Christmas. It is a holiday that has been very meaningful and sacred to our family. This Christmas has become one I will never forget. Early in November, while driving in my car and listening to some of our traditional carols, I turned down the music and began praying. I asked God to make this Christmas a special one, one like no other Christmas we have ever had. I did not want it to be just another holiday season of family traditions. I wanted it to be more. I wanted it to be life-changing for all of us. Well, I do not know how many times I have heard people say, “Be careful what you ask God for. He may give it to you. Fast forward to Tuesday, December 18th. I happen to be at home. I was doing some needed chores around the house that morning. I saw my phone ring. I did not recognize the number, so I did not answer. A couple minutes later my phone was ringing, I saw it was Becky. Upon answering, I heard screaming on the phone, “Jon, the school called. Jacob had a seizure. The paramedics are at the school. They are going to take him to a hospital but I do not know which one.” I left for the school expecting to find Jacob worn out, groaning and crying. When I arrived at the school, I found the ambulance by the gym and pool entrance. I thought that was odd. Jacob has autism and spends most of his day in the ASD classroom. I was then directed to the pool area. There were many thoughts that went through my head, including whether or not Jacob’s seizure happened in the water. When I saw Jacob, instead of seeing him worn out and groaning, he was unresponsive. He had a tube in his mouth. I tried talking to him. “Hey Bubba! Daddy’s here!” I found Becky crying. When the paramedics took him into the ambulance, I told Becky she could ride in the ambulance and I would follow behind. While in the car, I was trying to call all the people I could to inform them of what was happening. It was when we were going down Square Lake Rd that Becky called me from the ambulance. She told me the driver said I still needed to follow the traffic laws and I could get pulled over or hurt in an accident. At the time, being slightly irrational, I was thinking to myself, “What traffic laws? Who cares? I want to be with my son.” However, I did comply. The last thing we needed was to have another crisis on our hands. Upon arriving at the hospital, Jacob had been moved into the trauma unit. It is much different than on television, especially when you hear one of the docs say, “This does not look good.” After what seemed like eternity, they finished a few X-Rays and moved him into a room for a few more tests. I was standing in the Hallway of the Emergency Unit, trying to be strong for Becky and help her while at the same time feeling helpless and weak. I thought of the words to a song from a long time ago, “The Warrior is a Child”. That is how I felt. How could I “be strong” for Becky when I was trying to make sense of it myself. I was wondering if I would ever speak to my son again. I was longing to hear one of his funny sayings, such as “Jacob did spit his chicken out in South Dakota, mommy was mad”. I wondered if I would ever feel the “not so gentle” hit on my back every morning. If he did survive, how much functioning would he have? Will he be able to speak at all? After all, if he had water in his lungs, that could change his ability to function. I began to think of how our life would change if Jacob didn’t make it. We began to fear the worse. I was praying, “God, don’t take him!” We have so many happy memories. Jacob is well-liked by all. At church he walks around and greets all his favorite people. Many of his peers, at church and at school, love him. At Clarkston High School, they have a link program where they match up a peer with each of the students with autism. I remember once suggesting to one of his peers whom I knew really well, that he be Jacob’s link because of his heart for people. He said he would, except that “everybody wants to be Jacob’s link”. You see, life would not only be different for us. It would also be different for the many people who have the privilege of knowing him and being his friend. Jacob has a sense of humor that can rival just about anyone. He can imitate others like that of famous imitator, Rich Little. This is especially true in the autism classroom, where people can witness many different sayings and sounds of those who are blessed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Yes, I did say that. This is not an error. I am a parent who initially had to work through the acceptance of having children with autism. I have often said, if someone finds a “cure” for autism, I would not want our children to have it. I believe God made them who they are and in His eyes they are how He made them to be. I am offended by all the “cure autism” bumper stickers. What do they need to be “cured” of? Is it possible that those of us who are “neuro-typical” need to adjust or thinking? Then again, who of us is “neuro-typical”? While the doctors were doing the tests on Jacob, I told Becky I was going to step out for a bit. I wanted to send a message on Facebook, asking our friends to pray. We are a family that believes in prayer. We believe God is present and hears our requests. As I stepped out, Becky began praying out loud, “Jesus, please don’t take him!” During that time, a person in the hallway approached Becky and said, “God is going to take care of Jacob. He is going to be okay!” Becky had never seen this woman before, nor did she see her again. Could it have been an angel telling her Jacob was going to be fine? Following my return, one of the medical professionals told us Jacob was going to be moved to PICU. We could meet him there. We were told the tests look negative and as far as they can see, there was no water in the lungs from the pool. The brain looked good, but he was going to need more tests. They also said Jacob would have a breathing tube for at least 24 hours. He would likely be at the hospital through the rest of the week and possibly on Christmas. Upon checking my Facebook account, we had received a plethora of messages from friends and family saying they were praying for us. Even a pastor friend of mine from the West side of Michigan, with whom I had been on many Bike Trips, mentioned they prayed for Jacob during their board meeting. Can we “feel” the prayers of people? It may not go along with some of the more fundamental doctrines and/or theologies. However, I do not know how else to explain the “peace that passes understanding” we felt. Not too long after Jacob’s arrival in the ICU, he woke up, complaining as best as he could without being able to speak, about the tube in his mouth. We looked at the nurse. She said, it’s not like he is not able to breathe on his own.” They took the tube out of his mouth. About an hour later, he was trying to move his restrained arms to take out his IV and a horribly uncomfortable neck brace. He was talking and saying, “Time to go home! Somebody else’s turn to stay at the hospital.” We were thrilled out of our minds to hear him talk, even if he had “an attitude”. By this time, I was telling the nurses, “He will sleep and feel better if you take that brace off his neck.” With his autism, Jacob cannot always communicate for himself. They took his IV out and removed his neck brace. Jacob rolled over and with a sigh of relief, went back to sleep. About an hour later he woke up and looked at me. I said, “How are you doing Bubba?” He responded by saying, “Good!” I said, “Becky, he responded to my question!” One of the big highlights for me was at about 4am, laying on the hospital room futon (Becky and I were alternating between the futon and the chair). I woke up to Jacob’s face being only a foot above mine while saying “Lay down with daddy!” He was up and walking around. By 6am Jacob was yelling at the nurses and doctors, “Time to go home! Hey Lady?” Two day’s prior, we would have been upset with Jacob for his obnoxious behavior. On that morning, we were thrilled. I will never forget that morning in early November while driving my car on the way to work, praying that this would be the most special Christmas ever. I remember praying that the birth of Christ would be ever more real to us than any other season in the past. Through this, we have learned so much about God’s love for us and his goodness. We are thankful for the many people who were praying for a recovery to be quick and complete. We did not expect Jacob to be home so soon. In speaking with so many people, we heard the phrase, “You got an early Christmas present!” I began to think about all the things people believe are so important. It was like on the movie “Titanic”, while the great ship was sinking, money was flying everywhere, but nobody cared. They were running for their lives. As I reflected, I began to think of how unimportant so many things in life are. While Jacob was lying on bed in the trauma unit, I did not care about any sports team, what I was getting for Christmas, what bills we had to pay, when my student loans would be paid off or how many clients I needed to see this week at my private practice. It all seemed insignificant. I just wanted to be with Jacob, talking with him, laughing with him and going places with him. On Thursday afternoon, Becky and my daughter Hannah went to meet with the Lifeguards who were present and performed the chest compressions on Jacob. Becky heard one say she could not find a pulse at one point with Jacob. All of them had tears in their eyes and were so happy and shocked to hear how well Jacob was doing. We thank God for their timing and effective response. Yes, this will be a Christmas we will never forget. Over 2,000 years ago, God brought hope into the world by sending his son to be a sacrificial gift for us. He sent him into our violent neighborhood, knowing he would experience pain, hurt, rejection, death and resurrection. I have said before, I would not give Jacob up for the world, even if the world deserved it. Yet, God sent Jesus Christ into our world, for us, even though we do not deserve it. It is in times like this that we can get more of a glimpse of God’s love and goodness. Looking back at that early November drive to work, I probably would not have asked God to make this Christmas “so special”, if I had known all that we were going to go through with Jacob. However, I do not regret it. I am thankful for what we have learned through this. May God bless all of you and have a Merry Christmas!

The First Game He Ever Saw Me Play

In his book, “A Father, a Son and a Three Mile Run”, Keith Leenhouts tells a true story about an Ivy League football player who lacked talent, but was indeed a dedicated team player. He never missed a practice, but rarely played in any games. The coach noticed the boy had a rather tight relationship with his father. He often saw them walking arm in arm around campus. One day the player’s father died. He asked the coach if he could start in the upcoming game. It was the biggest game of the year. One small mistake could destroy the team’s chances of winning. Reluctantly, he agreed to start him. At the opening kickoff, the ball went sailing to the player. Coach held his breath, hoping he would not fumble or make a costly mistake. Instead the player ran it up to midfield. Sensing something good might be happening, coach left him in the game and designed a play for him. The player ran the ball for 20 yards. The next play, he ran it in the end zone for a touchdown. Throughout the game, coach had the player play offense and defense. He would tackle, knock passes down, intercept the ball and run with determination. The opposing team was confused by this mystery player. He was not on any of the scouting reports. They had not properly prepared for his game. When the game was over, the coach went over to the player sitting quietly in the corner with his head in his hands while everybody else was celebrating. The coach asked him, “What happened out there? You are not as good as you were tonight?” The player responded softly, “You see coach, my father was blind. This was the first game he ever saw me play!” Today, it seems as if fatherhood has become an endangered species. In wishing a Happy Father’s Day to the many father’s out there, I also hear the words of the Apostle Paul saying, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn.” Yes, I rejoice with many like myself who love being a dad and a husband, and also have been blessed with a great dad and had the honor of having a great father-in-law. Yet, I also mourn with those who have never known their father, or experienced abuse or hurt from their father. I also mourn with those like my wife, whose fathers have passed away. I mourn with fathers who have experienced the loss of a child through runaway or death. May God bless all fathers and the many who have taken the time to mentor those who have needed a dad. Happy Father’s Day!

Eighty-One

I was recently asked by a parent what only a small minority of people could do to help stop bullying in our schools and communities. I have had others ask me if it is worth it to try to make a difference in our society. I have heard pastors ask the question, “If our churches ceased to exist, would our communities even notice. It reminded me of a story I once heard.

Almost 20 years ago, the late African-American Preacher from Los Angeles, Dr. E.V. Hill, spoke to a crowd of 20,000 at an event near Denver, Colorado. He told of the time when J. Edger Hoover had invited 200 people, including himself, to Washington D.C to talk about the problem New York City was having with the Black Panther Party. Mr. Hoover informed the group that the Black Panther Party was ruining New York City. They were causing stores to close at 4pm. Millions of people were leaving the city because of the disruption the Black Panther Party. Some stores were closing their doors for good. Central Park was no longer safe to walk in. Churches could not have services at night. Why? The Black Panther Party was intimidating and ruthless.

Dr. Hill raised his hand to ask an important question. He said, “Mr. Hoover, how many people are part of this Black Panther Party? How many people is it that are causing stores to close their doors? How many are chasing 4 million people out of the city?”

J. Edgar Hoover responded, saying “81!” Addressing the crowd, Dr. Hill repeated the words a few times over. “81! 81! 81 chasing 4 million people out of the city. 81 are causing stores to close and people to cease from walking through Central Park. Even though the activity of the Black Panther Party should be condemned, they should be applauded for their effectiveness.”

Then Dr. Hill looked to the audience of 20,000 people and said, “When I look out here, I see 81 all over the place.” He then went on to challenge the audience to not limit themselves as to what kind of impact they might be able to have on their families, communities and world.

With God’s help, anyone can make a difference.

A Tribute to Farmer Frank

It has been almost a month since my father-in-law, Frank, passed away. Even though my only relation to him was via marriage into the family, he was still one of my favorite people I have ever known. Our trips to the farm in Iowa will never be the same anymore. I had the privilege of sharing at his funeral. Below is a written document of what I shared. We all still love and miss him.

If I were asked to write down a script describing the characteristics of the most ideal father-in-law, I would say sense of humor, highest quality of wisdom, uncompromising integrity, genuine love for people of all ages – especially his family, and a passionate faith in Jesus Christ. Frank Dagit fit these characteristics like a glove.



I have often heard Bev say about Becky, “She is her father’s daughter!” Like her dad, Becky is a straight shooter, has a sense of humor that can liven up any crowd and they are both avid Iowa Hawkeye fans. Becky and I will both miss the conversations during every Iowa game.



Beginning with his sense of humor, Frank had a fun way of teasing others. He was never too old to pull a prank on someone. One time while eating dinner at the farm, I made the mistake of turning my head to look for something. While my head was turned, Frank picked up a bottle of Tabasco Sauce and began pouring an excess amount onto my dinner. As I took my next bite, my face turned bright red. It took me about a half a second to realize what had happened and who was responsible for the burning sensation in my mouth.



Becky often shares the story when robbers were trying to break into their home. Ideally, one would think it might be best to leave some of the more dangerous activities to the police. Not Frank. He thought it would be better to catch the robbers. He was ready. He told the rest of this family to stay put upstairs. Of course, the driver in the car about a quarter mile up the road saw flashlights moving through the upstairs window, so he honked the horn, which signaled to the other robber to run out of the house and get away. You would think that would be enough. Everybody was safe and maybe now would be the right time to call the police and let them take it from there. No, Frank jumped in his pick up and chased after them.



Frank had a way of making friends. Everywhere we lived, Frank would meet someone and become a new best friend. 8 years ago, when we first moved to Michigan, Frank was taking a walk down our street. We had made the mistake of not giving him a curfew. When he returned home, Frank said, “Hey Becky, I met Duane.” Becky responded back, “Who’s Duane?” He said, “Your neighbor down the street. I saw a John Deere flag in his front yard, so I went up and knocked on his door. We’ve been talking for the last hour.” Duane became an instant friend, not only for Frank, but also for Becky and I.



Frank’s friends included people of all ages. He loved everyone, regardless of age. He had the kind of integrity where one could leave him a blank check and trust he would take honest care of it. He would never be able to live with himself if he felt like he was taking advantage of someone. If there was ever a person in need, Frank and Bev would be the first people there. He was the kind of friend, as the scripture says, “would lay down his life for…” Over the last three days I have heard many people say, “We don’t know where we would be if it hadn’t been for Frank and Bev.”



His grandkids were one of his greatest treasures. We lived in California when our daughter Hannah was born. Upon arriving in California, Frank had a cold. It was killing him not to be able to hold his newborn Granddaughter. He was overanxious to get healthy enough to hold her. I remember him saying, “Once I shake this thing, she’s all mine.” Often our son, Jacob, who has autism, would say to us, “Call Papa!” We would hand him the phone. As soon as Frank would answer it, Jacob would say, “Papa sing the bunny song!” (a song from the Veggie Tales DVD series) Frank would still sing, even if he were with some of his friends. It was always followed with much laughter and joy. Why? He was talking with one of his greatest treasures.



What I loved best about Frank was his faith. Whenever I read about the faith of a farmer in the scriptures, I think of Frank. When I was a youth pastor, I would always have him come and share with our group about his experience in Alaska. He would bring his walking stick, which he found in the middle of the tundra with no trees for miles, after he sprained his ankle. He prayed and asked God for help. Later on that same evening, Frank was with a group of people that did not know where there location was because of a heavy fog. He prayed and asked God to help them see which direction they needed to go. The fog lifted for about 10 seconds, which was just enough time for them to see the lights where they were lodging. Frank said, “I just looked up to God and said, ‘Thanks!’ That’s really all I needed to say.”



Three days ago, at the house, I heard a gentlemen talking about Frank lifting weights with a group of young guys. He said he heard him talking about his faith in Jesus Christ. That was what was most important to him. Frank had a simple, but very real faith.



When I married Becky, I did not choose for Frank and Bev to be my in-laws. I would have married her regardless. Then again, God in His goodness takes care of us by bringing people into our lives who are there for a purpose. I thank God Beverly Dagit is my mother-in-law. And, I thank God Frank Dagit always has and always will be my father-in-law.

Trading Character for Success

I remember watching the Olympics in Beijing, China only four years ago. The media was enthralled with the success of Michael Phelps winning a record number of Gold Medals. They were equally as excited about the darling gymnasts, Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin. We heard story after story of athletic success and perseverance. It certainly was entertaining to witness history being made and seeing two of our youth excel in their sport after all their training.
Yet, in the middle of all the hype, there was a brief story of a swimmer, Eric Shanteau, who was battling cancer. He chose to withhold treatment so he could represent his country in the Olympics. One could argue whether it was smart for him to risk his life just to swim, knowing he was not favored to win any medals. However, one has to admire his determination and perseverance.
Shanteau did not receive much attention. He was overshadowed by the many victories and accomplishments of his teammates. His story was not the only one that caught my attention. Nor were these Olympics the only games that contained what I call, “Inspirational Stories”. There are many more.
Also in Beijing, a swimmer with missing legs swam in a distance race. She did not receive a medal, so there was little said about her. During the Olmpics in Athens, Greece, two female athletes, one from Iraq and one from Afghanistan celebrated after their races, not because they broke a record and not because they won a medal. They did not even win their heat. They celebrated because they could run as free women in a race and represent their new found freedom in their country.
My favorite Olympic story is Derek Redmond at the Barcelona Olympics in 1992. He was supposed to win a medal, but a pulled hamstring shortly after the gun sounded off kept him from winning. As he was attempting to stand up while enduring physical and emotional pain, his father jumped out from the stands, knowing his son wanted to finish the race. He embraced his son, then helped him through his final steps to the finish line.
Although the Redmond story did receive attention from the media, many of these stories had not made the cut. Do I dare say our western culture is addicted to success at the expense of character? Do I dare suggest we have enslaved ourselves to the lie that mankind’s integrity and compassion do not measure up unless they have the resume to prove their worth in academic, athletic, occupational and financial success? Do I dare challenge our Western Cultural Values by suggesting our performance based society is leading us into a trap of deception, leading people to believe thier value and sense of worth trumps character?
It does not have to be this way. If ever there was a time to change the values of our culture, today is the day.

Wasting Energy Being Angry

A few years ago, I was participating in a group counseling session. One of the group members was expressing much anger about a situation she was in. The therapist asked her, "Is there anything you can do to change your circumstance. She said, "No!" He responded by saying, "Then why are you waisting your time being angry about it if you can't change it?"
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The group leader's response stimulated a discussion. Anger is an emotion we experience daily, whether it is through ourselves or others. It is a very real emotion. There is nothing wrong with being angry. However, it becomes a problem if we do not take the time to decide what to do about it.

The Serenity Prayer says, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." It gives us three choices as a response to others or circumstances when we feel anger. They are: 1) Get our way -- "courage to change the things I can", 2) Accept it -- "accept the things I cannot change" or 3) a combination of 1 & 2 -- "the wisdom to know the difference".

So much of anxiety, depression and pathology stem from choices we make, when we really do not have much of a choice. For example, if I am on my way to the airport to leave for a vacation and I am stuck in a traffic jam, does it do me any good to stomp my feet, honk my horn or flip people off? No! Why? Because I cannot change it. Sure, I will be angry, and there is nothing wrong with it. However, I must put it into perspective by realizing since I cannot change it, there is no sense in me waisting my energy on anger when I know my airline will help me get a flight the next morning, if not later that day. Point being, it is still ultimately my choice if I am going to let that incident ruin my day.

There is also the problem when we choose to accept something we can actually change. For example, I have heard many people complain about being in a "toxic" relationship. I ask, "why do you spend time with him/her?" They respond, "Well, you know, ...I can't really turn them down." Or, "They are family so we can't just not go to our family events." Or, "I know he abuses me, but he doesn't mean it. He really is a good guy." It amazes me how people view themselves as powerless and will allow others to hold them hostage. I often wonder why people will continue to share information with someone who repeatedly breaks their trust or puts them down. Probably at times we have all been in relationships like this. We can do something about it. We can break off the toxic relationship. We can keep sending out resumes and contacting places that are hiring. We can make that phone call that could, or should I say will help us get what we need. We just need to stop making excuses, which I have made many.

This all comes down to our choices. If we are angry, we must ask ourselves, "Can I change it?" If I can, then I must do something about it. If I cannot, then I must remind myself I am waisting energy being angry about something I cannot change. Then, I must accept it. It really does make life much easier when we choose not to be entitled, but rather choose to control only that which we can. It was a great discussion we had that day. I learned some valuable tips from that therapist.

A Christmas Letter with Neon Lights and Just a Little Sarcasm!

The other day when my wife and I were putting together our Christmas letter, we began to joke about the clumsy moments our family had over the past year. I know what we are supposed to write. If we base our letter on the more common one's seen at Christmas we would write about how our son was a State Champion baseball player and how he is being looked at by Michigan State while our daughter is getting a full-ride scholarship to Oxford University. For one, that would be lying. For two, even if it were true, what would be the purpose in including that information except to make ourselves look like really good parents? Truth is we were imaging what the responses would be when our friends opened up the letter only to find us being brutally honest about some of the frustrations and mess-ups we experienced. Needless to say, we laughed hard for about an hour imaging the looks on the faces of friends and family as they would certainly be in shock.

Even though there is nothing wrong with being happy for those who succeed, often I find Christmas letters to be lacking one of the most important items -- Character! I wonder what would happen if I wrote down two lists, the first being a list of friends and family telling about all their childrens accomplishments, and second being a list of ways they showed love, mercy, encouragement, kindness and joy to others, which list would be bigger? I have no doubt the first list would be the size of a skyscraper while the second list would be about the size of a paragraph.

I know very few people who would say accomplishments and success are more important than character. However, too often our communication says otherwise. I think of a family who lost their 10 year old son to a brain tumor. What will they say? My wife, Becky, is in remission from a type of cancer the doctor said many years ago would never reach such a state. It gives us great things to write about. We are very thankful. However, it was not the case seven years ago when she was going through chemotherapy. Yes, we still wrote a Christmas letter, but it was challenging trying to match up with the incredible stories of how people were walking on water and going to the moon.

My son has autism. He will never be a scholar. He will never play on a sports team. Yet, he has a big heart for people. He has a friend in a wheelchair who moved to Wisconsin a year ago, but still talks about him every day. When the day seems dull and boring, he will break out in laughter and say something that will cause a room filled with people to experience joy in a way they never have before.

At the risk of sounding like I am condeming those who talk about grade points and athletic championships, I really am not. I only suggest the thrust of a Christmas letter contain more weight in describing the character of each person, their heart and their passion.

God Bless all and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

HELPING OUR CHILDREN SUCCEED IN SCHOOL

I love the beginning of the school year. The 95 degree days have now turned into cool damp mornings. Shopping malls and stores are filled with energy and people anxious to find all the supplies needed for the year and parents are confused as to why their children do not fit into the same clothes from the previous year.

With the new school year comes anxiety. Our children definitely needed their time off during the summer. Anxiety decreases, activity increases and everyone seems to get along better during the two and a half month summer break. When school begins, however, responsibilities increase, schedules fill up quickly and relationships have a tendency to become more strained.

Often, usually during the second half of the school year a parent will call me and say their child needs counseling because he or she failed three classes. I enjoy working with teenagers who experience academic struggles. For one, it reminds me of myself when I was in school. Also, they are often some of the most genuine people I have ever met.

Certainly, there is nothing wrong with parents seeking counseling for their children following the aftermath of a lower than expectations report card. It is never too late to get help, even in the worst case scenarios. However, it is more cost effective and productive to be proactive rather than reactive. It is best for parents to get help for their children early in the first semester or first trimester. Counseling will be more effective if homework routines and anxiety reduction techniques are implemented in the earlier part of the year before the academic beast brings on heavy loads of homework.

There is a popular saying, “It takes 30 days to break a bad habit and start a new one.” For some students, it will be essential to start them on a disciplined homework routine to help engage them immediately into the practice of setting aside time each night to spend on their studies. It is also essential for students to identify obstacles in school that might cause them stress and interfere with their attempt at academic success.

So, if you, or someone else you know, has a child with a history of academic anxiety, has difficulty being motivated to do homework, or struggles to attain academic success, find help for them now before they become overwhelmed with all the responsibilities.

10 Reasons to Vacation in Michigan's Upper Peninsula!

10. It is rich in history. The U.P. was settled before the lower peninsula. Ontonagon had a telephone two years before Detroit did. Although there is some debate about it, Sault Ste. Marie is the 3rd oldest city in the United States, behind St. Augustine, Florida, and Sante Fe, New Mexico.

9. The U.P. is like a National Park. Wildlife, small towns, beautiful beaches, mountains (although I would call the Porkies "hills", either way, it is pretty), wilderness, etc...

8. Great hospitality! We found Ironwood, Newberry, Paradise, Saulte Ste. Marie, Copper Harbor and Houghton to be very friendly and welcoming.

7. Copper and Iron Mines. Although my wife and inlaws were too scared to go into the mines, we did visit Copper Harbor and some of the ghost towns that have a few remains of a once profitable time. It would be great to see some of them come back to life once again.

6. Great wildlife. Even though we did not see any moose or bear, there is much to see. Also, in Newberry they have Oswald's Bear Ranch, where one can often pet and sometimes even feed the cubs. Very reasonably priced.

5. Museums. The best is The Shipwreck Museum -- a must see. There are many others, with most of them being almost free. The Taqhuamenon Logging Museum is the most underrated.

4. Support Michigan's economy. There is not a better way to give back to our own State. Besides boycotting Washington apples and California cherries and strawberries and instead buying our own produce from our own people, and not wasting fuel to ship them from the west coast, we can help tourism in our own State by appreciating our history and the great people of the U.P.

3. Adventure. Although we chose not to camp this time, nor did we kayak or go on any long hiking excursions, the U.P. is known for kayaking in their many rivers and lakes, especially Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. Speaking of Pictured Rocks....

2. The great national parks and State parks. Taqhuamenon Falls, Pictured Rocks, Porcupine Mountains, Soo Locks, Copper Harbor and many more. I lived in Colorado, Northern California and South Dakota. The Porkies are not like Yosemite or Rocky Mountain National Parks. Nor is Lake of the Clouds like Lake Tahoe. Sure, Taqhuamenon Falls are not Niagara, nor is the marshes like that in the Everglades. Although, to be able to see Pictured Rocks and the Carribean colored water, walk up to the Lake of the Clouds in the Porkies and see a beautiful lake in the middle of the hills on one side and witness the vast waters of Lake Superior on the other, then listen to the rushing water of Taqhuamenon's upper falls and then witness the natural beauty of the lower falls, not to mention driving through vast wilderness for miles and miles. I have come to realize there are not many places where you can experience all this in one vacation. Michigan's Upper Peninsula is a kept secret. It is out of the way of everything, which is why I believe many people outside of Michigan and Wisconsin rarely consider charting their vacation plans to include the U.P. It does not get the attention of Yellowstone, the Smokies, Yosemite, Glacier, the Grand Canyon or even the Florida Everglades. Yet, I am ready to go back. Maybe even some winter, just to see what it is like...just so I know I can find a way out because winter is long enough even here.

1. Witness the majesty of our Creator. He deserves the credit for all of the beauty. When one needs to get away and experience God's shalom, re-create, meditate and as the psalmist said, "consider the works of his hands" only to wonder "who are we that he is mindful of us"? Take a Bible, read through some of the Psalms that speak of the handiwork of God. Thank him for places like Michigan's Upper Peninsula and praise him for his creation. Remember that his creation is a gift to us and therefore we must care for it responsibly. As we look at the beauty of his creation, may we remember his love for us and know that we are without excuse in knowing his existence.

MAKING HOME A SAFE PLACE

I remember when a frustrated mother came to me and said she was upset with her daughter because she lied to her. She went on to explain how in her home they have a “zero tolerance” for lying and there were going to be serious and long-lasting consequences for her actions. I remember thinking to myself as she was explaining her dissertation on lying, I would probably lie too if I was her daughter. Although I applaud the mother’s conviction for lying, I could not help but wonder if there was not a better way to deal with the lying.

Certainly, there should be a consequence for our children when they lie. However, we should also ask ourselves and our children, “Why does my child feel like they have to lie in our home?” If all behavior is communication, what is my child trying to communicate to me?

There could be a number of reasons why our children might lie to us. It could be because they want to get away with trouble. But, it also could be they do not feel safe to tell us the truth. So we must ask, “Do our children feel like they have the freedom to tell us the truth? Do they know we will continue to love them, regardless of what “news” they must bring to our attention? Or, are they hesitant to tell us for fear of how we might react. Are they convinced we will respond by yelling, severe consequences or even being “horribly disappointed” in them?

We know we will always love our children regardless of what they say our do. However, if we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we fail to communicate our love to them when they choose to be honest with us. So what do we do? We must make our home a safe home, where our children have the freedom to fail and the freedom to be honest with us when they fail. We must provide an atmosphere where our children can tell us the honest truth of how they feel, knowing it may hurt our feelings, but more importantly it will help heal and maintain a safe and healthy environment. As a parent I am not there yet. But I want to be.

McDONALD'S MELTDOWN: WHEN OUR CHILDREN ACT OUT IN PUBLIC

I remember when my children were in their toddler years. They both have special needs and helping them learn appropriate behavior and social skills was more of a challenge than it is for “neuro-typical” children. One day we decided to take them to the local McDonald’s, which happened to have a nice indoor play area. We figured it would be a nice break for us. Our kids could play while we ate our burger and fries.

It did not take long for our kids to feel comfortable in the McDonald’s. Our son walked up to a family whom had just begun eating their lunch and grabbed a handful of fries from them. Fortunately, it was a kindhearted teenage girl who found him to be so cute and entertaining that she did offered him more fries. Our daughter, on the other hand, began yelling, screaming and running around the place. Within a few minutes, she performed her state of the art “McDonald’s Meltdown” with great energy and volume. She climbed into the play structure and refused to come out upon learning she was in trouble. As I was desperately attempting to get my daughter out of the play area, I could hear the voice of a parent saying, “If that were my kid...” It took everything in me not to say in return, “Take her! We’ll see who comes out alive.”

I remember walking to the car with my daughter in my arms, kicking and screaming, feeling embarrassed and upset, wanting to go back in and yell at the parents who were critical of our parenting. For years, the only places we would take our children out for meals were fast food restaurants. Then one day I said to my wife, “Let’s go out for lunch at the Old Village Café.” My wife said, “Why?” I said, “Because they have to learn to sit still for dinner. If we keep avoiding the opportunity for them to learn how to sit still, they will never know what to do. To our surprise, our kids learned quickly how to sit still for a meal in a restaurant.

Often as parents, we allow ourselves to get embarrassed when our children act out in public. It is easy to worry about the evaluation others put on us, when in truth, to say it nicely, we need to get over ourselves and do what is in the best interests of our children. That does not mean we do not have a consequence in place for when their behavior is subpar. However, it does mean we persist and help them by causing them to learn the appropriate behavior skills in the public setting. Life certainly is a journey isn’t it?

A Boy and a Basketball Team

At Christmas time we all get Christmas letters where people talk about how “great” their year was and how their children are graduating at the top of their class and going to an Ivy League School. Seldom do we read about children who demonstrate character. Even more seldom do we read about the trials many families faced during a challenging year.

Recently, I witnessed a basketball team and a young boy modeling character. Cornerstone University, of Grand Rapids, Michigan, dedicated their 2010-2011 season to a young boy, Johnny Teis. Johnny was diagnosed with a life-altering, inoperable brain tumor. Johnny and his family were at the game to do the ceremonial opening tip. My daughter and I had the privilege of meeting Johnny. When I reached out to shake his hand, he reached out his hand with very little physical strength, but his heart had, and still has, the strength of a Lion.

Cornerstone University is ranked number 3 in the NAIA Division 2. As an alumnus, I take pride in watching their success on the court. However, what makes me more proud is their character off the court as well. I would love to see the Golden Eagles win another national title (their first was in 1999). I have actually contemplated attending the national tournament in Branson, Missouri this year. Yet, what I will remember about this season is their character.

During the ceremonial opening tip, Johnny’s family had pushed him in his wheelchair to the middle of the court with the Cornerstone basketball team following him. The crowd, all wearing green t-shirts that said “Johnny’s Army”, gave him a standing ovation, as did the whole Indiana Tech team, whom at that point had also made their way to mid-court to honor and cheer for Johnny. His brother tossed the ball up into the air as the audience applauded, not only Johnny, but also his family for their courage.

Cornerstone University and the Teis family modeled for us an important truth. Life is so much more than basketball, the final score of the game or who wins the championship. Life is about loving God and loving and serving others. It does not mean life is fair.

My wife, Becky, is a cancer survivor, which is why I have such a passion for stories like this. I know we are not supposed to question God when things like this happen. Yet, over two-thirds of the Psalms in the Bible are laments, people who are upset with the circumstances they are put in, asking God where He is. In the end, though, they remember who He is and praise Him. My heart aches for the Teis family and what they are going through. Yet I praise God for their testimony and character which has touched the lives of people like Dick Vitale, who called Johnny’s house and spoke of him during the Wisconsin/Ohio State basketball game last weekend, and Jim Tressel.

I thank God for Cornerstone University’s basketball team and their testimony. I really hope they win at nationals this year. Still, one day all the trophies will be old and in a dumpster. Yet the character of their team and a family who has shown courage during the most difficult of times is something that will last for eternity. Please pray for the Teis family. God Bless!

If anyone is interested in donating money to a fund going toward medical expenses for the Teis family, you may donate to the following:

Arvest Bank
506 First Ave. SE
Gravette AR 72736
c/o Johnny Teis Contribution Fund.

RAISING OUR CHILDREN WITHOUT YELLING AT THEM

A few years ago, the Indianapolis Colts played the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. Tony Dungy, the coach of the eventual World Champion Indianapolis Colts, had been under the radar for doing something many said could not be done in professional sports. He was able to get his team to win the Super Bowl without ever yelling at his players. Every year he would begin training camp with his famous quote saying in a calm but assertive voice, “This is as much as you are going to hear me yell at you all season long.”

Some have argued that it could not possibly be true for Coach Dungy to lead his team to win the Super Bowl without yelling at his players. Others have said, his assistants must have done the yelling for him. For some reason, people equate yelling with discipline. Just because Tony Dungy did not yell at his players did not mean they lacked discipline.

Too often, as parents we sometimes assume we need to yell at our children to get them to lead disciplined lives. Is it possible to have well-disciplined children without yelling at them? In a sense, yes it is possible and I have found children to respond better to instruction when there is less yelling involved. On the other hand, I have yet to find a parent who has never yelled at their children at some point in their lives.

As a parent, it is my passion to see us all collectively learn effective ways to rear children with positive results along with low resistance from them. Some examples of how this can happen include allowing our children to learn through natural and logical consequences, less lecturing, relational building, time spent together, valuing their character, unconditional love, assertiveness and a variety of other ideas. It is always an honor to talk with parents and share from my own learning through research and personal experience. Together, we can learn and become better parents.

ADHD: Take 3, To Med or Not To Med

TO MED OR NOT TO MED?

I have heard a variety of opinions regarding ADHD and medications. I have heard the argument that medications, like Ritalin, have serious side effects, such as the potential for seizures. I have read research suggesting such medications can cause a person to lack creativity due to the effects on that part of the brain (I am guessing they mean the right side of the brain). I have also heard the other side, parents and doctors suggesting to anyone and everyone who is struggling with anything should “get on some good meds because there are great medications to help make everyone’s life easier. I find this conversation especially true with parents who are looking for some parental relief rather than seeking the best interests for their child.

I don’t know the best answer. I am glad I chose a profession that does not write up prescriptions. Please hear me! I stay mostly neutral on the subject of meds. I am uncomfortable with the idea of putting a child with ADHD on medication the second they are diagnosed. I am also uncomfortable seeing a child who is struggling to adapt and cope with anxiety and frustrations when some medication could potentially make a world of difference. I have seen both extremes.

As a licensed counselor, I believe we need to take a holistic approach to ADHD. According to research done by Dr. Daniel Amen, we should consider our child’s diet. Are they eating an over-abundance of sugar or caffeine? Are they getting enough vegetables and protein? We should also consider the amount of physical exercise our child is getting. Do they get out and walk, ride their bike, play games, swim, cross-country ski, or go on long hikes? Or, instead of exercising are they spending more than a half-hour playing video games? Also, we must consider vitamins, and other supplements like fish oil (omega 3), Multi-Vitamins, Vitamins B, C, and D. If your child is having difficulty sleeping at night, have you tried giving them three mg’s of Melatonin? It is not a medication, but a nutrient that provides a sleep hormone.

The problem with medications is too many people jump to medications without taking a holistic approach to see if there are other ways to cope with ADHD. I believe more often than not, people are lacking in exercise, adequate sleep and appropriate diet, which can make one’s ADHD more difficult to cope with. If the individual is sleeping well, exercising regularly and eating healthy and still struggle to pay attention and complete tasks, one might consider talking with a psychiatrist or doctor about getting on some medication. I will caution, if you talk with a family doctor about prescribing medication, get some consultation from a psychologist or licensed counselor regarding the type of medication and dosage. I have seen family doctors be very quick to prescribe medication without knowing anything about the psyche or emotional state of the patient.

I have very good friends in the mental health work who believe all ADHD medications have side effects that are not worth the risk. They are convinced if individuals with ADHD exercise and eat right they will cope well enough to adjust. However, when I was in high school I was in great physical shape. I played basketball, soccer and ran in a cross-country race one time because they needed an extra person. I still struggled to concentrate on school and life. I believe there are situations when a person will rule out all the other coping options and be at a place where they could use some medication.

ADHD In The Classroom

I believe our western culture concentrates itself on academic success and excellence. Many schools will display the phrase, “Knowledge is Power” on their hallways and in their classrooms. They love the student who is compliant, sits still in class and scores high on exams and papers. The individual with ADHD typically does not excel academically. Some with ADHD have high IQ scores. I have heard parents say, “I just don’t understand. He took an IQ test and he scored extremely high, but he just doesn’t apply himself at school.”

I heard Dr. Tony Atwood describe life at school for a teenager with Asperger’s Syndrome. He said, “When they are at school, they are performing. They are not made to sit still, be quiet and listen for 7 hours.” I believe the same is true for those with ADHD. Our school classrooms are set up for the “gifted” student. (By gifted I mean those students who easily excel the academic system set up in our western culture schools. As I said, people with ADHD are also gifted, just differently.)

One important fact we need to remember is students with ADHD excel in more non-traditional settings. They often like noise in their studying environment rather than silence. It is not uncommon for them to prefer a chaotic mess in contrast to an overly clean and calm homework setting. Yet, they do need some structure and routines. They also learn more quickly when they experience learning. For example, my junior year of high school our class took a trip from Lansing, Michigan to Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. Being on the spot where the battlefield took place helped us to grasp what it looked like and how it all happened at the actual battle. Standing at the place where President Abraham Lincoln gave the Gettysburg Address brings more meaning to his speech than reading it in a textbook. As a teenager with ADHD would say, “Civil War textbooks got nothing on being at Gettysburg.”

When I have a client with ADHD who is failing school, I listen to their frustrations, and empathize with them. I tell them I understand how frustrating it is to have a teacher who expects you to think, behave and perform exactly as they do when they learn. I understand how frustrating it is to have to learn about different sciences or math problems you will never again in your life practice. However, I also explain it is necessary for them to go along with it for the time being. For those of us with ADHD, sometimes we have bigger mountains to climb than others. Is it fair? No! Yet, the consequences of blaming society, teachers and our school systems will not help us graduate and cut corners in life. We must sustain and learn the way others learn for now.

"OH LOOK, A CHICKEN"

“OH LOOK, A CHICKEN!”

A friend gave me a t-shirt for my birthday one year that said, “People say I have ADD, but they just don’t understand…Oh…look, a chicken!” I was never without a comment whenever I wore that shirt. I remember standing in line for the Millennium Force ride at Cedar Point, watching the enjoyment of others as they endured comic relief in a two hour long line for a ride that lasted less than five minutes.

I don’t know what happened to my favorite t-shirt. The last time I remember wearing it was on a bike trip in the upper-peninsula of Michigan. I heard many of my bike team members tell me I better keep an eye on it, as they might snatch it from me when I was not looking. They loved my t-shirt as much as I did. It was in high demand. Why? I don’t know. Maybe their infatuation with my shirt had something to do with their ability to relate with it.

This begs me to ask the question, are there a large number of people with ADD/ADHD? Then I must ask myself another important question. Are there really that many people with ADD/ADHD or is there an over-diagnosis? Are people looking for a “quick medicated fix” for their children or do they really need some pharmaceutical assistance?

Over the next three weeks, I will attempt to address these questions. ADHD is a diagnosis in the DSM-IV, soon to be DSM-V. It describes the individual who has difficulty paying attention to details, sitting still and completing tasks, as well as many other challenges. Why is it a diagnosis? Maybe so counseling agencies can give a report on the progress a client with ADHD is making in therapy.

I am not so concerned with the diagnosis. I believe it is culturally biased. Am I saying there are no individuals who have ADHD? Not at all. People with ADHD should be seen as those who are gifted differently in a culture that loves systems, details, timeliness and anal-retentiveness. Truthfully, they are often the most compassionate people. I have worked with teenagers for over 20 years. I love them. They are energizing, interesting and unique. I often have more fun with teenagers than adults. They are some of the most misunderstood people in our western culture. I especially enjoy teenagers who have ADHD. I remember a time when I had broken a pair of sunglasses at a teenager event. One of the “extreme” ADHD boys in the group picked up my broken shades and said with great enthusiasm, “I can fix them. Really! Can I please?”

If I were to write a book about ADHD I would call it “Being ADHD in an Engineer’s World!” I live in Oakland County, Michigan, where many engineers reside. Engineers have transformed our society. Where would we be without the automobile, telecommunication and the opportunity to fly across the country for work, pleasure or to visit friends and family? Yet, if one ever spent time with an engineer, or tried to work with one, you have to be able to speak their language. Some are the epitome of anal-retentiveness. Some are addicted to structure and they have a mistress called “how do you get from point A to B to C?” Sometimes it seems like one can never have a normal conversation with them. There has to be a purpose. They do not have time for small talk.

People with ADHD have difficulty coping in a world that demands structure and does not allow “down time” or “free time” to let loose. I am often entertained by the conversations and conflicts between engineers and those with ADHD. They have to discipline themselves to even understand the other person. It is especially tough for those with ADHD because society and culture seem to value the engineer ahead of them. The engineer is not any more valuable than the individual with ADHD, nor is the ADHD person any more valuable than the engineer. Fortunately, for the engineer, society values their role in our culture. Not always does our culture value those with ADHD. How do I know this? Those with ADHD have been given a diagnosis, a label. They are treated as with a disorder when they should be treated as people who are gifted differently. Yet, they must cope with and learn to adjust to society rather than blame them.

Next week I will address ADHD in the classroom and the following week I will discuss ADHD medications.