I remember when a frustrated mother came to me and said she was upset with her daughter because she lied to her. She went on to explain how in her home they have a “zero tolerance” for lying and there were going to be serious and long-lasting consequences for her actions. I remember thinking to myself as she was explaining her dissertation on lying, I would probably lie too if I was her daughter. Although I applaud the mother’s conviction for lying, I could not help but wonder if there was not a better way to deal with the lying.
Certainly, there should be a consequence for our children when they lie. However, we should also ask ourselves and our children, “Why does my child feel like they have to lie in our home?” If all behavior is communication, what is my child trying to communicate to me?
There could be a number of reasons why our children might lie to us. It could be because they want to get away with trouble. But, it also could be they do not feel safe to tell us the truth. So we must ask, “Do our children feel like they have the freedom to tell us the truth? Do they know we will continue to love them, regardless of what “news” they must bring to our attention? Or, are they hesitant to tell us for fear of how we might react. Are they convinced we will respond by yelling, severe consequences or even being “horribly disappointed” in them?
We know we will always love our children regardless of what they say our do. However, if we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we fail to communicate our love to them when they choose to be honest with us. So what do we do? We must make our home a safe home, where our children have the freedom to fail and the freedom to be honest with us when they fail. We must provide an atmosphere where our children can tell us the honest truth of how they feel, knowing it may hurt our feelings, but more importantly it will help heal and maintain a safe and healthy environment. As a parent I am not there yet. But I want to be.
