Tuesday, December 6, 2011

A Christmas Letter with Neon Lights and Just a Little Sarcasm!

The other day when my wife and I were putting together our Christmas letter, we began to joke about the clumsy moments our family had over the past year. I know what we are supposed to write. If we base our letter on the more common one's seen at Christmas we would write about how our son was a State Champion baseball player and how he is being looked at by Michigan State while our daughter is getting a full-ride scholarship to Oxford University. For one, that would be lying. For two, even if it were true, what would be the purpose in including that information except to make ourselves look like really good parents? Truth is we were imaging what the responses would be when our friends opened up the letter only to find us being brutally honest about some of the frustrations and mess-ups we experienced. Needless to say, we laughed hard for about an hour imaging the looks on the faces of friends and family as they would certainly be in shock.

Even though there is nothing wrong with being happy for those who succeed, often I find Christmas letters to be lacking one of the most important items -- Character! I wonder what would happen if I wrote down two lists, the first being a list of friends and family telling about all their childrens accomplishments, and second being a list of ways they showed love, mercy, encouragement, kindness and joy to others, which list would be bigger? I have no doubt the first list would be the size of a skyscraper while the second list would be about the size of a paragraph.

I know very few people who would say accomplishments and success are more important than character. However, too often our communication says otherwise. I think of a family who lost their 10 year old son to a brain tumor. What will they say? My wife, Becky, is in remission from a type of cancer the doctor said many years ago would never reach such a state. It gives us great things to write about. We are very thankful. However, it was not the case seven years ago when she was going through chemotherapy. Yes, we still wrote a Christmas letter, but it was challenging trying to match up with the incredible stories of how people were walking on water and going to the moon.

My son has autism. He will never be a scholar. He will never play on a sports team. Yet, he has a big heart for people. He has a friend in a wheelchair who moved to Wisconsin a year ago, but still talks about him every day. When the day seems dull and boring, he will break out in laughter and say something that will cause a room filled with people to experience joy in a way they never have before.

At the risk of sounding like I am condeming those who talk about grade points and athletic championships, I really am not. I only suggest the thrust of a Christmas letter contain more weight in describing the character of each person, their heart and their passion.

God Bless all and have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!

Friday, September 9, 2011

HELPING OUR CHILDREN SUCCEED IN SCHOOL

I love the beginning of the school year. The 95 degree days have now turned into cool damp mornings. Shopping malls and stores are filled with energy and people anxious to find all the supplies needed for the year and parents are confused as to why their children do not fit into the same clothes from the previous year.

With the new school year comes anxiety. Our children definitely needed their time off during the summer. Anxiety decreases, activity increases and everyone seems to get along better during the two and a half month summer break. When school begins, however, responsibilities increase, schedules fill up quickly and relationships have a tendency to become more strained.

Often, usually during the second half of the school year a parent will call me and say their child needs counseling because he or she failed three classes. I enjoy working with teenagers who experience academic struggles. For one, it reminds me of myself when I was in school. Also, they are often some of the most genuine people I have ever met.

Certainly, there is nothing wrong with parents seeking counseling for their children following the aftermath of a lower than expectations report card. It is never too late to get help, even in the worst case scenarios. However, it is more cost effective and productive to be proactive rather than reactive. It is best for parents to get help for their children early in the first semester or first trimester. Counseling will be more effective if homework routines and anxiety reduction techniques are implemented in the earlier part of the year before the academic beast brings on heavy loads of homework.

There is a popular saying, “It takes 30 days to break a bad habit and start a new one.” For some students, it will be essential to start them on a disciplined homework routine to help engage them immediately into the practice of setting aside time each night to spend on their studies. It is also essential for students to identify obstacles in school that might cause them stress and interfere with their attempt at academic success.

So, if you, or someone else you know, has a child with a history of academic anxiety, has difficulty being motivated to do homework, or struggles to attain academic success, find help for them now before they become overwhelmed with all the responsibilities.

Monday, August 15, 2011

10 Reasons to Vacation in Michigan's Upper Peninsula!

10. It is rich in history. The U.P. was settled before the lower peninsula. Ontonagon had a telephone two years before Detroit did. Although there is some debate about it, Sault Ste. Marie is the 3rd oldest city in the United States, behind St. Augustine, Florida, and Sante Fe, New Mexico.

9. The U.P. is like a National Park. Wildlife, small towns, beautiful beaches, mountains (although I would call the Porkies "hills", either way, it is pretty), wilderness, etc...

8. Great hospitality! We found Ironwood, Newberry, Paradise, Saulte Ste. Marie, Copper Harbor and Houghton to be very friendly and welcoming.

7. Copper and Iron Mines. Although my wife and inlaws were too scared to go into the mines, we did visit Copper Harbor and some of the ghost towns that have a few remains of a once profitable time. It would be great to see some of them come back to life once again.

6. Great wildlife. Even though we did not see any moose or bear, there is much to see. Also, in Newberry they have Oswald's Bear Ranch, where one can often pet and sometimes even feed the cubs. Very reasonably priced.

5. Museums. The best is The Shipwreck Museum -- a must see. There are many others, with most of them being almost free. The Taqhuamenon Logging Museum is the most underrated.

4. Support Michigan's economy. There is not a better way to give back to our own State. Besides boycotting Washington apples and California cherries and strawberries and instead buying our own produce from our own people, and not wasting fuel to ship them from the west coast, we can help tourism in our own State by appreciating our history and the great people of the U.P.

3. Adventure. Although we chose not to camp this time, nor did we kayak or go on any long hiking excursions, the U.P. is known for kayaking in their many rivers and lakes, especially Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore. Speaking of Pictured Rocks....

2. The great national parks and State parks. Taqhuamenon Falls, Pictured Rocks, Porcupine Mountains, Soo Locks, Copper Harbor and many more. I lived in Colorado, Northern California and South Dakota. The Porkies are not like Yosemite or Rocky Mountain National Parks. Nor is Lake of the Clouds like Lake Tahoe. Sure, Taqhuamenon Falls are not Niagara, nor is the marshes like that in the Everglades. Although, to be able to see Pictured Rocks and the Carribean colored water, walk up to the Lake of the Clouds in the Porkies and see a beautiful lake in the middle of the hills on one side and witness the vast waters of Lake Superior on the other, then listen to the rushing water of Taqhuamenon's upper falls and then witness the natural beauty of the lower falls, not to mention driving through vast wilderness for miles and miles. I have come to realize there are not many places where you can experience all this in one vacation. Michigan's Upper Peninsula is a kept secret. It is out of the way of everything, which is why I believe many people outside of Michigan and Wisconsin rarely consider charting their vacation plans to include the U.P. It does not get the attention of Yellowstone, the Smokies, Yosemite, Glacier, the Grand Canyon or even the Florida Everglades. Yet, I am ready to go back. Maybe even some winter, just to see what it is like...just so I know I can find a way out because winter is long enough even here.

1. Witness the majesty of our Creator. He deserves the credit for all of the beauty. When one needs to get away and experience God's shalom, re-create, meditate and as the psalmist said, "consider the works of his hands" only to wonder "who are we that he is mindful of us"? Take a Bible, read through some of the Psalms that speak of the handiwork of God. Thank him for places like Michigan's Upper Peninsula and praise him for his creation. Remember that his creation is a gift to us and therefore we must care for it responsibly. As we look at the beauty of his creation, may we remember his love for us and know that we are without excuse in knowing his existence.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

MAKING HOME A SAFE PLACE

I remember when a frustrated mother came to me and said she was upset with her daughter because she lied to her. She went on to explain how in her home they have a “zero tolerance” for lying and there were going to be serious and long-lasting consequences for her actions. I remember thinking to myself as she was explaining her dissertation on lying, I would probably lie too if I was her daughter. Although I applaud the mother’s conviction for lying, I could not help but wonder if there was not a better way to deal with the lying.

Certainly, there should be a consequence for our children when they lie. However, we should also ask ourselves and our children, “Why does my child feel like they have to lie in our home?” If all behavior is communication, what is my child trying to communicate to me?

There could be a number of reasons why our children might lie to us. It could be because they want to get away with trouble. But, it also could be they do not feel safe to tell us the truth. So we must ask, “Do our children feel like they have the freedom to tell us the truth? Do they know we will continue to love them, regardless of what “news” they must bring to our attention? Or, are they hesitant to tell us for fear of how we might react. Are they convinced we will respond by yelling, severe consequences or even being “horribly disappointed” in them?

We know we will always love our children regardless of what they say our do. However, if we are honest with ourselves, sometimes we fail to communicate our love to them when they choose to be honest with us. So what do we do? We must make our home a safe home, where our children have the freedom to fail and the freedom to be honest with us when they fail. We must provide an atmosphere where our children can tell us the honest truth of how they feel, knowing it may hurt our feelings, but more importantly it will help heal and maintain a safe and healthy environment. As a parent I am not there yet. But I want to be.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

McDONALD'S MELTDOWN: WHEN OUR CHILDREN ACT OUT IN PUBLIC

I remember when my children were in their toddler years. They both have special needs and helping them learn appropriate behavior and social skills was more of a challenge than it is for “neuro-typical” children. One day we decided to take them to the local McDonald’s, which happened to have a nice indoor play area. We figured it would be a nice break for us. Our kids could play while we ate our burger and fries.

It did not take long for our kids to feel comfortable in the McDonald’s. Our son walked up to a family whom had just begun eating their lunch and grabbed a handful of fries from them. Fortunately, it was a kindhearted teenage girl who found him to be so cute and entertaining that she did offered him more fries. Our daughter, on the other hand, began yelling, screaming and running around the place. Within a few minutes, she performed her state of the art “McDonald’s Meltdown” with great energy and volume. She climbed into the play structure and refused to come out upon learning she was in trouble. As I was desperately attempting to get my daughter out of the play area, I could hear the voice of a parent saying, “If that were my kid...” It took everything in me not to say in return, “Take her! We’ll see who comes out alive.”

I remember walking to the car with my daughter in my arms, kicking and screaming, feeling embarrassed and upset, wanting to go back in and yell at the parents who were critical of our parenting. For years, the only places we would take our children out for meals were fast food restaurants. Then one day I said to my wife, “Let’s go out for lunch at the Old Village CafĂ©.” My wife said, “Why?” I said, “Because they have to learn to sit still for dinner. If we keep avoiding the opportunity for them to learn how to sit still, they will never know what to do. To our surprise, our kids learned quickly how to sit still for a meal in a restaurant.

Often as parents, we allow ourselves to get embarrassed when our children act out in public. It is easy to worry about the evaluation others put on us, when in truth, to say it nicely, we need to get over ourselves and do what is in the best interests of our children. That does not mean we do not have a consequence in place for when their behavior is subpar. However, it does mean we persist and help them by causing them to learn the appropriate behavior skills in the public setting. Life certainly is a journey isn’t it?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

A Boy and a Basketball Team

At Christmas time we all get Christmas letters where people talk about how “great” their year was and how their children are graduating at the top of their class and going to an Ivy League School. Seldom do we read about children who demonstrate character. Even more seldom do we read about the trials many families faced during a challenging year.

Recently, I witnessed a basketball team and a young boy modeling character. Cornerstone University, of Grand Rapids, Michigan, dedicated their 2010-2011 season to a young boy, Johnny Teis. Johnny was diagnosed with a life-altering, inoperable brain tumor. Johnny and his family were at the game to do the ceremonial opening tip. My daughter and I had the privilege of meeting Johnny. When I reached out to shake his hand, he reached out his hand with very little physical strength, but his heart had, and still has, the strength of a Lion.

Cornerstone University is ranked number 3 in the NAIA Division 2. As an alumnus, I take pride in watching their success on the court. However, what makes me more proud is their character off the court as well. I would love to see the Golden Eagles win another national title (their first was in 1999). I have actually contemplated attending the national tournament in Branson, Missouri this year. Yet, what I will remember about this season is their character.

During the ceremonial opening tip, Johnny’s family had pushed him in his wheelchair to the middle of the court with the Cornerstone basketball team following him. The crowd, all wearing green t-shirts that said “Johnny’s Army”, gave him a standing ovation, as did the whole Indiana Tech team, whom at that point had also made their way to mid-court to honor and cheer for Johnny. His brother tossed the ball up into the air as the audience applauded, not only Johnny, but also his family for their courage.

Cornerstone University and the Teis family modeled for us an important truth. Life is so much more than basketball, the final score of the game or who wins the championship. Life is about loving God and loving and serving others. It does not mean life is fair.

My wife, Becky, is a cancer survivor, which is why I have such a passion for stories like this. I know we are not supposed to question God when things like this happen. Yet, over two-thirds of the Psalms in the Bible are laments, people who are upset with the circumstances they are put in, asking God where He is. In the end, though, they remember who He is and praise Him. My heart aches for the Teis family and what they are going through. Yet I praise God for their testimony and character which has touched the lives of people like Dick Vitale, who called Johnny’s house and spoke of him during the Wisconsin/Ohio State basketball game last weekend, and Jim Tressel.

I thank God for Cornerstone University’s basketball team and their testimony. I really hope they win at nationals this year. Still, one day all the trophies will be old and in a dumpster. Yet the character of their team and a family who has shown courage during the most difficult of times is something that will last for eternity. Please pray for the Teis family. God Bless!

If anyone is interested in donating money to a fund going toward medical expenses for the Teis family, you may donate to the following:

Arvest Bank
506 First Ave. SE
Gravette AR 72736
c/o Johnny Teis Contribution Fund.

Friday, February 4, 2011

RAISING OUR CHILDREN WITHOUT YELLING AT THEM

A few years ago, the Indianapolis Colts played the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. Tony Dungy, the coach of the eventual World Champion Indianapolis Colts, had been under the radar for doing something many said could not be done in professional sports. He was able to get his team to win the Super Bowl without ever yelling at his players. Every year he would begin training camp with his famous quote saying in a calm but assertive voice, “This is as much as you are going to hear me yell at you all season long.”

Some have argued that it could not possibly be true for Coach Dungy to lead his team to win the Super Bowl without yelling at his players. Others have said, his assistants must have done the yelling for him. For some reason, people equate yelling with discipline. Just because Tony Dungy did not yell at his players did not mean they lacked discipline.

Too often, as parents we sometimes assume we need to yell at our children to get them to lead disciplined lives. Is it possible to have well-disciplined children without yelling at them? In a sense, yes it is possible and I have found children to respond better to instruction when there is less yelling involved. On the other hand, I have yet to find a parent who has never yelled at their children at some point in their lives.

As a parent, it is my passion to see us all collectively learn effective ways to rear children with positive results along with low resistance from them. Some examples of how this can happen include allowing our children to learn through natural and logical consequences, less lecturing, relational building, time spent together, valuing their character, unconditional love, assertiveness and a variety of other ideas. It is always an honor to talk with parents and share from my own learning through research and personal experience. Together, we can learn and become better parents.